Friday, August 11, 2006

Nigerian Spammer - Part 10

I heard from my Good Partner William this morning.

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Thanks for your mail and update. Please do your possible best to open the account with wells fargo bank online today and send me the information you used in opening the account.
As soon as you open the account you will follow the instruction below and get back to me.
Note :
My friend will not say anything .
This transaction is between both of us.

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I'm so glad our new partner will keep his mouth shut. LOL!

I decided to stall William some more by refusing to open a bank account with Wells Fargo. I need some information on Wells Fargo so I Googled them to try and get some ideas about what to say to William. I found a VERY long complaint by some guy that has had a lot of trouble banking with them. The post was almost 3,000 words long. It's very boring so I'm deleting most of it for you, but I sent the whole thing to Willie to see what he would say. Before I sent it to Willy, I added a little sex to spice things up a tad. The original is in black text and my modifications are in blue.

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Dear Partner Willy,
I called my Cousin Merl to axe him about opening a bank account wit Wells Fargo. See Merl graduated 8th grade and knows lots of stuff. Don’t worry cause I dint tell him about our secret deal partner. Anyways, Merl say I shouldn’t deal wit Wells Fargo cause he got fucked by them. He sent me this here email telling me all about the shit they did to him. I don’t rightly understand evrything he says in the email but I trust Merl. If he says no Wells Fargos then they ain't no way I deal wit Wells Fargo. He says they suck bigger than a vaccuum cleaner. Here is the email he send to me so you understand my concern.
Your Good and Loving Partner,
Milton

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Milton,

Please don’t get involved with Wells Fargo as they suck harder than a vacuum cleaner with a fresh bag. I have had nothing but problems in my dealing with them.

Well, not everything has been a problem. There was the time I got the greatest blow job I’ve ever had from the manager of the Brentwood branch. If your ever in that area, go in and ask for Mary Beth and tell her Merl told you all about her. She’s so fucking hot and horny all the time and your certain to get at least a blow job like I did. Milton that woman could suck a possum through a straw with that mouth of hers. Hell, you may even get laid if you buy her a few drinks.

Sorry I got side tracked and should stay on topic, so here’s my story.

I've been with Wells Fargo bank for 9 years now and I can safely say that nobody in their right mind would bank with them. They are an atrocious bank. Completely and utterly incompetent. I don't understand how they've gotten to the position they are in being this bad. It seems nearly impossible to contemplate.

The following is not the only thing that has happened to me but it is the most recent and so the most clear in my mind.

In August 2000 I decide I'm going to move back to Japan....(text deleted) ....................
... blah
... blah
... blah
(more text deleted)
... blah
... blah

I remember about 7 years ago being pissed off enough to want to switch. That wasn't the only time either. I actually stormed out of a branch and spent the rest of the day interviewing banks. At the time the best bank appeared to be Fidelity Federal. It's was a smaller bank though and with few branches and a month after that episode I moved to the San Francisco area and so I didn't end up switching at that time.

Now I just can't take it anymore. Anybody know a bank that works? Although I'll be using the Citibank PBOE for transfers and stuff they don't have all the features I want and they are expensive so I'm still looking for another bank for my main bank.
U U U U U U G G G G G G G G H H H H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! !

Please please please do not use Wells Fargo. Please find another bank. Do not reward this bank with your patronage. You're only helping an evil empire. Please get out now.

Give all my best to the family.

Your loving cousin
Merl

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So yesterday I got a reply from Willy.

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Dear Good Partner,
Go and open ONLINE BANKING WITH BANK OF AMERICA and get back to me .
My friend also banks with bank of america.
Urgent reply needded

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I want to drag this out some more until he gets frustrated enough to get upset with me.


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Subject: Hey, was up?

William,
What do i do now? I send you a email about them mutha fuckas at Wells Fargo but I dint here from you. And Ellie May told me you and her was tryin to set something up. Is that right? Has you and her been talking to each other?
Wilburn

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If you remember, Ellie May told Willy not to say anything about Willy and her emailing each other. So why did she tell Milburn then? Who knows, I'll think of something later if I have to.

And....

I wonder how Willie will interpret my email? Will he think I'm upset with him for talking to Ellie May, or what will he think? It doesn't matter what he thinks or what his reply to me is, I'm going to be upset with him. :-)


10 comments:

patti_cake said...

This is so much fun!
You know I was just reading about the preachers wife in TN (Mary Winkler is her name I think) and they had lost a bunch of money in a nigerian bank scheme. I just can't understand who would be taken in by this?

Lucky Pink said...

LOL!!! Keep 'em coming!

And btw, I'd be happy to come to one of the pool parties/dinner parties at your house if only you didn't live so far away!

Libby said...

man, tony, this is better than any soap opera i've ever seen...even better than Dallas!!

barman said...

I don't know what it is about these, I do find them very funny but some how I find myself tensing up as I get further into the post. I almost can't finish it. I guess I just keep expecting things to go horribly wrong. How weird am I?

Wenchy said...

These people must have allot patience.

Chickie said...

I just love what you're doing!

gab said...

best laugh Ive had all day!

aughra said...

Oh, god, this is priceless!! I love that you do this!!

Jodes said...

you are crazy - keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha i just got in on the scammer posts! they are hilarious!!! Keep em coming!

-M