Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Ahhhh, memories...........


Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!
Hey there, hi there, ho there, you're as welcome as can be.
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!
Mickey Mouse! (Donald Duck!) Mickey Mouse! (Donald Duck!)
Forever let us hold his banner high, high, HIGH, HIGH!!
Come along and sing the song and join the jamboree.
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!
He's our favorite Mouseketeer, we know you will agree.
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!
Take some fun and mix in love, our happy recipe.
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!

This was one of my favorite TV shows when I was a child. (Yes, they had TV when I was a child.) Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

The Sevens...

Lucky Pink tagged me so here goes.

7 things I bet you don’t know about Amber:
1. Her first blog post was February 10, 2004
2. She thinks her booty is finer than J-Lo's
3. She likes playing black jack
4. She has an extensive history of traffic violations
5. She once had 40 pair of panties
6. She likes the bathrooms in Clearwater
7. She used to be in musicals

7 things I have never done and may never do:
1. Drive a motorcycle
2. Sky dive
3. Rock climbing
4. Have sex with two girls at the same time
5. Stop thinking about having sex with two girls at the same time
6. Own my own business
7. Hit a hole-in-one

7 things I did not do this weekend:
1. Pay the bills
2. Put away the laundry
3. Have sex
4. Go outside
5. Sell my boat
6. Cook
7. Answer the telephone

7 times I have almost died or was seriously injured:
1. The time I fell off my sled and woke up in the hospital with a concussion and a bloody mess for a face
2. The time we were hit broadside on the passenger side with me in the passenger seat
3. The time I was in a seven-car accident and my car was sandwiched between two trucks
4. The time a guy walked up to the car I was in, and stuck a gun against the window right at my face
5. During the nightly mortar and rocket attacks on our base in Vietnam
6. The time I was wounded in Vietnam
7. The time our plane made an emergency landing in Barbados with an engine on fire

7 bloggees I tag and HOPE will do their own sevens:
Since it seems everyone is getting tagged, I will leave it up to you to tag yourself

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I Finally Got “Lucky”

Wait till you here this, I had two women touching my private parts yesterday. TWO FUCKING WOMEN WERE TOUCHING ME IN MY MOST PRIVATE AREA. HOT DAMN, I GOT LUCKY. I am not shitting you, it really happened. Yeah, I know I’m married, but it’s been three years since anyone has touched my dick, other than me, so as far as I was concerned, I was going to let it happen. Oh man, two chicks actually taking turns.

No, I wasn’t cheating on my wife, I was having a polyp removed from between my ass and balls. During the initial examination and procedure, they had to move my package to get to the polyp, but they still touched it, so it still counts, right?

I had a doctor’s appointment at the local VA Hospital to have this little thing removed from between my legs and it just so happens, that both the doctor and nurse were women. As far as that goes, the doctor I saw last week who diagnosed it, was also a young lady. She was a resident from a local university. They come to the VA Hospital once a week to help out.

I go into the hospital yesterday and go up to Unit 23. The guy at the desk tells me to sit in the Patient Lounge and someone will come and get me. I go into the lounge and wait.

About ten minutes later a very good-looking petite young lady walks into the lounge and asks for me. She introduces herself as Dr, O’Hara. “Let me explain what we are going to do. I’m going to numb the area with a local, and cut the thing off. The complications could be infection and bleeding. Do you understand?”


“Sign here.”

Whatever, all I know is that this very good looking young lady, nice body and about 5’ tall, with the cutest little accent, and she is my doctor, nothing else matters, so I’ll risk it. I’m thinking, what’s the worst that could happen, I bleed to death or get an infection and die.” No problem, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. So I sign the consent form.

We walk across the hall to a small room. In the room, there’s a not too bad looking nurse, somewhat older than Dr. Cutie, but still younger than me. She takes my blood pressure and such. The cute little doctor finishes setting up, turns and asks me to take off my pants. (I am never one to refuse any woman that asks be to get nekkid. Modesty be damned, off with the pants and briefs, jockey style, and I lay down on the table.

Now it dawns on me that I am naked from the waist down, in front of two women I don’t know, but that doesn’t bother me at all. But I do wonder what they’ll think when they look at “IT”. I don’t really want to know, so I tare at the ceiling so can’t see their face. I really don’t want to know if they laughing at “IT” or not.

Dr. Cutie tells me to spread my legs so she can take a look. I comply, giving here a full view. (Now here is where the touching starts) She lifts my balls out of the way and I hear the nurse and her discussing the process, you know medical shit and stuff.

Now Dr. Cutie removes her hand from my balls and asks the nurse to hold them out of the way. The nurse grabs them, but in a very different way. A way where her hand is laying right on my dick. O’boy, now a woman has got the whole package in her hand and her hand is on my dick, well most of it, there was a little over flow if you get my drift.

The nurse says, “This is going to be cold and wet.”

I look to the side and see Dr. Cutie take a clamp with some gauge pads dipped in that brown liquid that sanitizes shit. I feel her rubbing the area under my balls. She was right, it is cold and wet, but it also feels kind of good. She does it again. Felt good again.

Now I start thinking. I have one woman holding my package in her hand and the other rubbing me, an erection would not be good at this time. That thought quickly passed, because now I see Dr. Dominatrix holding up this rather large syringe, with a needle about three inches long. Then I see the nurse holding a bottle of stuff. (Point of information here, all sexual related thoughts, and my fear of getting an erection, just left my mind)

“Couldn’t you find a bigger needle?” I said.

They both laugh the kind of laugh, the kind of laugh evil people have when the torture is about to begin.

“Oh, that whole thing won’t be going in you, just the tip, but it's going to sting, A LOT!”

WTF does a lot mean? Now I’m starting to get worried, but keep my cool.

“I’m going to numb you and you’ll feel a burning sensation.” Dr. Dominatrix says. Bam, the evil doctor plunges the spike into me. I jump a little.

“You alright?” she says.

“I’m, uh, fine.” (Like hell, it burns like a motherfucker)

“Are you sure? You seem to be clinching your hands awfully tight.”

“No, I’m fine.” I say as all sensation leaves my hands from gripping them so tighly.

“Okay. I one more.” Bam! The evil Dr. Dominatrix plunges the spike into me once more.

Now I’m thinking, is there no mercy for a poor veteran of a war? Haven’t I been through enough? Why me, oh why me?

“You okay?”

“Oooooooo, I’m fine.” I say as my breathing rapidly increases. This fucking hurts. Sting a little my ass.

The stabbing, burning pain subsides in a minute or so, and I feel Dr. Evil rummaging around down there. All I feel at this point is pressure sensations where the cutting must be going on by now. Nothing hurts, which is good as far as I’m concerned, so I relax and breath normally once again. My pulse decreases to just slightly above normal, for a rat that is.

Then I smelled something burning. The smell of hair burning, in addition to the smell of burning human flesh .

I’m thinking WTF are they doing now, branding me with Dr. Evil’s initials like they do with fucking cattle out west. WTF are they doing?

“What’s burning?” I calmly ask.

“You.” the sadistic nurse replies with an evil sounding cackle.

Dr. Evil giggles, and says, “Maybe you could have phrased that a little different so the patient doesn’t get upset?”

Now I’m thinking, upset, who me? Why the fuck would I be upset? Why? You lull me into a false sense of security with your hot little body and cute accent, and then plunge sharp objects that burn like hell into me, and now you’re branding me very close to the most sensitive parts of my body like they do to with cattle. Why should I get upset?

I say in calm voice so as not to get Dr. Evil nervous and cause her to slip with the branding iron and burn my dick, “No, I’m not upset, but what are you doing?”

“There’s some bleeding that won’t stop, so we are corterizing it to try and stop it.”

Try, WTF do you mean try? Make it stop! Your a fucking doctor, right? Get the bleeding to fucking stop. Oh great, now here’s where I bleed to death just like Dr. Evil warned me could happen. So that’s why she forced me to sign my life away, the evil bitch. Why oh why did I listen to her, why?

“I think we got it? The evil doctor says. "It’s just oozing a little. But it should stop soon. If it doesn’t, just come back in to the Emergency Room and we’ll corterize it again.”

WTF do you mean you THINK you got it? I can see it all now, I leave here, oozing blood from my vast wound. The bleeding doesn’t stop, so I have to turn around and make the 45 minute drive back, and all the while I’m getting weaker and weaker from lose of blood. Then I pass out from the loss of blood and crash into an overpass imbuttment and die. Great, it happened just as you planned you evil, evil bitch.

“What do you think we should cover it with?” Dr Evil says. The evil doctor mentions something about a band-aid but the equally evil nurse says it’s not a good idea.

WTF, don't you two have a clue WTF you are doing? Ask what to do next? Didn't you plan the out? I know, you want me to bleed to death, right? Don’t either if you fucking care if I live or die? You bitches are so fucking evil.

“That one has a lot of adhesive around it” the evil nurse says, “It won’t be pleasant when he removes it. It will pull out a lot of hair and be painful.”

The sharp mind that I have remembers my blog entry about the Brazilian Wax a few entries back. “Yeah like a Brazilian Wax job.” I say.

Dr. Evil laughs, but the nurse doesn’t know what I mean, so she asks what a Brazilian Wax job is. The doctor explains it to her, but I also jump in and briefly describe the contents of my blog entry. The nurse says no way she is going to have that done. The doctor tells her you get used to it.

That was all I needed to jolt me back to reality, talking to two chicks about waxing their privates. I remembered the flash video with the waxer standing over the waxee, ripping out pubes and ass hair. I put myself into the place of the waxer and all of a sudden, Dr. Evil Dominatrix is transformed back into Dr. Cutie. I picture Dr. Cutie being the waxee in the flash video. She’s nekkid from the waist down and I can picture me ripping her pubes from her body.

“Jab me with fucking sharp objects will you bitch? Burn me with a branding iron will you?” the evil Doctor BTExpress says. “Take off your pants, right now bitch, and get up on the table. Okay, spread them so I can get a good look. Ha, ha, now it’s my turn to torture you.

"This may hurt a little, as I rip out your pubs in large clumps, but live with it.”

”Ha, ha, ha!!! Shut up bitch, revenge is sweet my dear, revenge is sweet. Ha, ha, ha!!!”, says the evil Doctor BTExpress.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Ladies, has anything like this happened to you?

You meet the perfect man. You hit it off, so you invite him over for a nice romantic evening. Everything is going smoothly, so you take him by the hand to escort him into the bedroom. You turn the corner into the hall, and what do you see? Your dog, carrying this…

When I first saw this I was ROTFLMAO.

Friday, August 26, 2005

I have a joke for you

What is black and white and red all over?

Just kidding, just kidding.

Harvey and Martha are getting married later that day and Harvey is very nervous. See, Harvey has never had sex and really has no idea what to do on the wedding night, so he asks his dad to tell him all about sex.

Harvey's dad tells him, "There really isn't enough time to explain everything, but I have an idea. After the ceremony, take Martha to the cabin we have in the woods. When you get into bed, you'll see a hole in the wall next to the bed. I'll be right outside, on the other side of the wall. If you have any questions, just ask me."

So after the ceremony the Harvey and Martha goes up to the cabin. To make a long story short, they go into the bedroom. Martha strips and hops into bed, and calls for Harvey to join her. Harvey wants to make sure dad is there, so he excuses himself and goes outside to look for dad.

While Martha is waiting, she gets the urge to go to take a dump. Now the cabin doesn't have a bathroom, just an outhouse. Martha being naked and all can't very well go outside naked, so she looks around to see where she can go, and finds a shoe box. She does her business in the shoe box and puts the box in the closet until she can dispose of it later.

About that time, Harvey, satisfied his dad is right outside, comes back inside and goes into the bedroom. Harvey strips down and sees hot looking Martha, all naked and stuff. He gets really nervous at this point, which, of course, makes him have to pee.

He tells this to Martha and Martha says, "There isn't a bathroom in the cabin. but I put a box in the closet you can go in."

Harvey walks over to the closet, opens the door, steps in the closet, and steps right into the box of shit.

Harvey screams. "Oh my god, there's shit in the box!"

Dad yells out from the other side of the wall, "ROLL HER OVER STUPID!"

Okay, okay, let me have it. But you know what? I like this one.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

HNT Man Ass

In keeping with my last Half-Nekkid Thursday post, I decided I would dig out another one of my boating pictures. This one is a picture Phil's wife took of our butt cleavage while we were working on replacing the shore power receptacles on their boat. One of the receptacles burned out in the middle of the night, and doing what boaters do to help each other, we pitched in to replace it. Well, I did the actual replacing, me being the electrical and electronics expert of the group. The other two guys were there to hand me the tools, get in the way and provide moral support.

If Man Ass isn’t for you, you can find links to other HNT pictures, and also find out all about Half-Nekkid Thursday here.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

The Story of Loosing My Virginity

The Date: It was 1968, I think it was July, but maybe August, but do you really care?
The Age: 19 years old
The Place: Good Old’ Columbia South Carolina
The Reason for Being in That Shit Hole: I was in the US Army learning to be an Infantryman. Yep, I was drafted in May of that year, destined to be just another poor grunt to get shot in Vietnam, or in my case blown up. But that’s another story.

Basic training at Fort Jackson was very restrictive, but once that was over, we were all sent to AIT (Advanced Individual Training) to learn the job we would do for the next two years. I was selected to be a sacrificial lamb and train as a grunt, i.e., infantryman, so I didn’t leave Fort Jackson. I was just sent to another part of the base.

While I was in AIT, most weekends I was off and pretty much free to do what I wanted. I usually choose to spend my weekends in downtown Columbia, South Carolina, if I had any money.

When we went into Columbia, I always checked into the same crappy hotel, because it was the cheapest. I drank beer in the cheapest bars and occasionally ate somewhere, also cheap. That was pretty much all I ever did until the night I lost my virginity.

I was in Columbia that weekend, drinking and occasionally eating, like I always did, and was with one of my friends, I’ve long ago forgotten his name, but that’s not important. We just left one of the seedy bars we always frequented, and were on our way back to the hotel, when my friend spotted two girls. One was pretty good looking with a nice body, and one a little not so nice looking, and on the heavy side. I’ll give you one guess, which one I eventually wound up with.

My friend walks over to the girls, talks to them for a half a minute and then comes back over to me. He tells me he wants to hook up with these ladies, but it will cost us each $15.

Let me tell you, I don’t want to do this, no fucking way. I’d only had two girlfriends in my entire life up to that point, and I’d never even got past touching one of the girl’s boobs, over her clothes. Now he is crazy if he thinks I am going to jump ahead to actual fucking. Not on his ever loving life. The thought of fucking one of those girls scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t believe that he actually wanted me, a virgin’s virgin, to actually screw some strange girl he saw on the street. I had to make up an excuse to get out of this.

“I don’t have enough money, I only have $3.00.”
“That’s okay, I have money. Let me see how much I have.”
“Okay. I got $21.00.”
“That’s not enough,” relieved that we were short the cash.
“But with your $3.00, and my $21, that makes $24.00. Let’s see if they’ll take it. I’ll loan you the difference.”
“I’m not going to owe you money for this. Let’s just get out of here.”
“Okay, I’ll give you the money. You won’t owe me.”
“Let’s leave and go get some more beers.”
“What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever had sex before?”
“Sure I have, plenty of times.”
“So then, what’s the problem?”

Son-of-a-bitch, he played the “Virgin” card on me. Damn, I couldn’t tell him I was a virgin, now could I?

“No problem, see if they’ll take it.” I say.

I prayed they turned him down, but just my luck, they agreed to the price. We walked back to their place. It wasn’t that far, just a short walk outside of town. We get to their place, a house with a porch and no front door, no shit, no front door. We walk in and one of the girls walks up to this guy and talks to him. The other girl walks over to bathroom and sits down to pee. No door on that room either. I remember thinking I can’t believe she is peeing right in front of everyone.

Well, she gets done peeing and all four of us walk into this room. It has one bed. My friend and his girl get on the bed, take off their clothes and start fucking. There is no room for the four of us on the bed, so the girl I’m with lays down on the floor fully clothed and lifts her skirt. She refuses to take off her clothes.

I look down and "it" is right there, staring me in the face. The biggest, hairiest muff I'd ever seen. Not that I'd seen any muffs up to that point, but now that I've seen a few in my days, it really was the biggest and hairiest I was ever going to see. I drop my pants, get down on the floor between her legs, and for some unknown reason, I’m thinking a miracle at that point, I find my way to home base, first shot. I start doing my thing. Then as soon as I started, I cum, but I don’t loose a stroke. I just keep going and going, you know, like the Energizer Bunny, just like nothing happened.

I didn’t pay $12.00 for this shit to end in a minute-30, so I’m getting my money’s worth out of this. I figure I’ll just going to keep going until she makes me stop. No sooner as that thought crossed my mind, she says,

“You done yet?”
“No, not yet.”
“Hurry up.”

I don’t say a word and just keep fucking. Next thing I know, there’s a knock on the door. She pushes me off and says times up. My friend’s girl pushes him off, and jumps off the bed and gets dressed. I pull up my pants and my friend gets dressed complaining about how fast that was, the whole time. The door opens and this guy says, “Times up. Now you two get out of here.” My friend shuts up. This whole adventure couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes, tops.

We go out into the hall and run into two guys we were in AIT with. They tell us things don’t look good, and we better get out of here quick, before we get our asses kicked. Now I have no idea what is going on, but being a white guy, in a black neighborhood, in the deep south in 1968, and being told things don’t look good, sets me running out the front door as fast as I could. The four of us took off together. We stuck to the back yards, hopping fences and hiding in bushes all the way back into town. I never looked backed.

Well, nobody followed us and we made it back to our hotel rooms in one piece. We were all safe and sound in those sleazy hotels in downtown Columbia South Carolina. The next morning I woke up alive, and caught the bus back to the base ready for my next adventure in Good Old'’ Columbia South Carolina.

The End

Google Results

I just checked StatCounter and, since Wednesday, a few people found my blog through Google and MSN Search with these searches.
  • "water dripping" sharp "comfort t: I don't know what the whole search term was because it turned back no results when I clicked on it, because it didn't fit on StatCounters page.
  • sextoy screwdriver rotates: I turned up #1 with this one
  • flickrbooty photobucket: I'm #1 for this one too.
  • bornfruit and "": This one is a popular search (they sell the Jack Rabbit so, no wonder). This one brought me 5 visitors.
  • Masturbation-a-thon San Francisco: That's over for this year, I think it was May. Maybe their planning ahead.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


This is my second Half-Nekkid Thursday post. I hope it doesn’t offend anyone.

This is a picture of me on the back of my boat, the BTEXPRESS (see picture at the top of my blog). I don’t remember exactly why I was mooning my sister-in-law that night, because I was probably drunk.

You do know that boaters, real boaters, have to tie their boat to a dock somewhere, and get drunk daily, to maintain their certification as a boater, right?

Monday, August 15, 2005

Don't you just hate it...

...when you go into the bathroom you hardly ever use, and haven't been in for at least a week, and see the water dripping fairly fast, and when you turn it off, realize it's the darn hot water that's been dripping for who knows how long?


Thank you,
The One Who Pays the f**cking bills

I feel so much better now, thanks for listening.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Brian had a car accident…

…a little while ago at 1:30. Nobody got hurt and, this time, it wasn’t his fault.

He left for work about 1:00, stopped for something to eat and came right back home because he forgot the charger for his cell phone. A few minutes after he left, I get a phone call from him telling me he got in an accident, and where he was. Before I could ask him any questions, his phone went dead.

No what do I do? I can’t leave Barbara alone, so I can’t go rushing up to support him, so I try calling to get someone to stay with her. I call a few people before my next door neighbor gets out of the pool and comes over.

So I leave to drive up to the accident. I make the left, and could see the ¼ mile up the road, a lot of vehicles and flashing lights. I get closer and see the road is blocked off by cop cars, another cop car on the side of the road, two fire trucks and two ambulances. Now I get scared. WTF is all this equipment there? Did he get hurt? Did anyone get hurt? Are the cars on fire? OMFG, what is going on???!!!!

I park my car on the side of the road and begin searching the crowd, yes crowd, and finally see him. There must have been 50 people milling about. It looked like the whole neighborhood came out to see what happened. I get to him and he’s fine. He was going slowly, so the damage to the cars wasn’t that bad.

I help him take care of the technical stuff and then I go one way, and he goes another to call work to tell them what happened. My phone was charged.

The cops are directing traffic and firemen are putting stuff on the antifreeze that leaked out all over the road and sweep up the mess. Then they pull the cars off the road because there is quite a bit of traffic in the immediate area. We live down by the water, and the side road there, is the way everyone goes the get the ferries to Fire Island.

I walk over to the side of the road to get out of the way, lean against a fence and then I realized how proud he’s made me and how well he is handling the whole thing. I see that he at least learn a few things from his mother and me.

One is that he knows how to keep his priorities straight in times of hardship and stress, take care of business, and get the situation under control. Which he did very well.

The second is try to stay calm so you can think straight, and be better able to deal with what is at hand and the aftermath. You know what I mean? Tow trucks, police reports and insurance companies. He also did that very well too.

Then the third, during all this mess, never miss an opportunity. Let me explain that one.

The cops and fireman are all milling around, I’m watching all this going on and loose track of Brian. I walk over to the side of the road to get out of the way and lean up against a fence and the woman that lives there, walks over and starts a conversation with me, just small talk. We’re chatting and I look around for Brian and see him talking to a very attractive young woman, and he’s drinking a soda. I think, maybe she brought him a nice cold soda, because I’m sure he could use it.

She looked to be a little older than he is, he’s 23. I can see, not that I looked but just for a second, I swear, she’s got a nice tan (we do live down by the water) and she’s wearing one of those belly shirts, and very short shorts. I can see he's smiling, and all of a sudden doesn’t look sad anymore. In fact, he looks very happy. I see him laughing a little and so is she.

Then it dawns on me that we are both having conversations with strange women, and at a very trying time. Typical of me, the flirt that I am, but I didn’t know it was like him. I just smiled.

Now don’t get the wrong idea, we didn’t go out scouting for woman to hit on, they found us. And you all know as well as I do that in times like this, friendship is important for people, isn’t it. People need to be comforted, and it doesn’t hurt that it’s by lovely ladies, now does it?

You never know, the ladies could have been nurses, or social workers or something, and know that when people are stressed out, comforting is medicinal, right? They know how to calm people down, and take their mind off of their troubles, if only for a moment.

Brian instinctively knew, like I do, that one should accept compassion when it is offered, and that one will feel a whole lot better for it. I know I did, and I could tell he did too, if only for a moment.

Beside, one must always think of others feeling no matter what is happening to themselves. When someone offers one a shoulder to lean on, one must accept the offer. One doesn't want to make him or her, in this case her, feel bad and ignore his or her, in this case her, offer of comfort, now does one?

Yep, a chip off the old block. He makes me proud. ;-)

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Brazilian Wax

I've heard women talk about waxing their eye brows and waxing their legs. I've seen my wife have both done. It looked painful, but she assured me she got used to it, so it didn't hurt anymore.

I've also heard women talk about getting a bikini wax, but until I saw the video, Brazilian Wax I didn't fully comprehend the scope of one.

Ladies, I have a couple questions and comments about Brazilian Waxing.

WFT are you thinking about? Are you f-ing crazy, or what? What possesses you to let someone rip out your pubs and ass hair by the roots in large clumps? That has got to be the most painful thing I've ever seen. It made me cringe each time the torturer ripped off that strip of what looked like tape. You women are out of your ever loving mind.

Next time use a razor. Like this one. It can fill two needs at once. Smooth skin, and since it vibrates, it can get you off. Two things women obviously need.

Disclaimer: Rated R for nudity, torture, Sadism and Masochism. I mean what else could it be.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

My 1st Half-Nekkid Thursday

I wanted to start off with something a little less risque so as not to excite y'all too much.

You too can participate in Half-Nekkid Thursday here.

Monday, August 08, 2005

I technically cooked again

I don't cook that often anymore, but I cooked Sunday dinner this weekend. I made Crusty Chicken Wrap Ups (boneless chicken thighs, herbs and grated cheese wrapped in crescent rolls, then brushed with egg and sprinkled with sesame seeds), broccoli with three cheese sauce (Green Giant frozen) and potatoes au gratin (Betty Crocker boxed at it finest).

Hey I said technically cooked, the chicken was prepared from scratch, so it still counts as cooking, doesn't it?

Saturday, August 06, 2005

My AC Broke Part 8

I finally got my AC. It's not the central air I was talking about, but it's still air conditioning. This is the baby I got yesterday. Isn't it the most beautiful thing you ever saw? Shipped all the way from Brooklyn via UPS, for the paltry sum of $294 plus tax and free shipping.

Sharp AF-S100EX Review

Sharp AF-S100EX Sharp's expanded line of Energy Star® air conditioners provides cool comfort all summer long. Sharp�s air conditioners not only exceed federal efficiency standards, they exceed design standards as well. Sleek and stylish, they will fit into your home design beautifully. Saving you energy and enhancing your decor, Sharp�s air conditioner line is too cool to pass up.

Features of the Sharp AF-S100EX include:

  • Energy Star® Efficiency - Save money, save energy, and help preserve the environment! Sharp's Energy Star® qualified products exceed the existing federal efficiency standards for air conditioners by at least 10 percent which qualifies them to bear the Environmental Protection Agency's Energy Star® logo for energy efficiency.
  • Library Quiet™ - Sharp air conditioners provide comfort without the added noise often associated with room air conditioners. Sharp delivers cool, quiet comfort.
  • Rest Easy™ Remote - enables you to simply turn the unit on or off, adjust the temperature, change the fan speed, or set the delay timer with the touch of a button.
  • Comfort Touch™ Controls - Convenience is standard with Sharp's user-friendly Comfort Touch controls. With a 12-hour timer delay on/off feature and one-degree temperature control, there's no more temperature guessing. Simply set the controls and forget about it!
  • Washable One-Touch Filter - for easy removal and cleaning.
  • 4-Way Air Direction - lets you direct the cool air where you want it most.
  • Energy Saver Mode - When Energy Saver is selected, the thermostat automatically controls cooling and the fan automatically stops when the compressor is not operating.

I couldn’t wait to get it installed so as soon as I said hello to Barbara and her sister who just came over to visit, I was off and running. But first, I was off and running to the kitchen for a nice cold gin and tonic. You know, it’s a proven medical fact that you must drink lots of fluids when sweating a lot, by doing hard work, and in the medical journal I have, it says gin and tonic is an acceptable method for replenishing fluids and the minerals lost by sweating.

Now, as a public service, I am providing step-by-step instructions for installing a Sharp AF-S100EX. I think this will be helpful to you, because the instruction manual leaves out so many steps, at least many of extra steps I took.

1. Take AC out of the box and put it on the dining room table.
2. Read the directions that tell you have to take the chassis out of the cabinet.
3. Remove 6 screws, take off the front panel with the filter and attempt taking the chassis out.
4. No luck. Put AC back on the floor.
5. Remove chassis from cabinet by tugging, pulling, lifting, tugging, yanking, lifting and pulling some more.
6. Put cabinet on dining room table.
7. Install rail on the top of cabinet and try to install the right and left closure assemblies.
8. Next remove the rail installed in step 7 and turn it around because it was put on backwards.
9. Install the right and left closure assemblies and attach to cabinet using 6 small screws.
10. Install cabinet assembly in dining room window.
11. Slide open right and left closure to take up open space on either side of AC in the window.
12. Remove cabinet assembly install in step 10, and put it back on dining room table, because you forgot to install the window sash foam seal (adhesive type) to underside of window sash that they instructed on the first page of the installation instructions.
13. Go to kitchen and get some paper towels and spray cleaner on paper towels.
14. Clean sash on underside of window.
15. Install the window sash foam seal (adhesive type) to underside of window sash.
16. Go into kitchen and get scissors.
17. Cut off the excess window sash foam seal (adhesive type).
18. Repeat steps 10 and 11.
19. Go out to the garage and look for some wood scraps to fill space between the bottom channel and sill.
20. Take the only two pieces you can find back inside and hope they fill the space. Wow, they do.
21. Go into den and discover rechargeable drill is dead because it was put in charger backwards last time it was used.
22. Go down to the basement and search in vain for electric drill.
23. Go back to den and get hammer. Note: if you don’t have a drill, to drill pilot holes for screws, a hammer is an acceptable substitute to beat the suckers home if you can’t get them in using just a screwdriver.
24. Secure cabinet to space filler wood scraps with two screws, using screwdriver and hammer.
25. Forget securing the top angle and closure assemblies to window sash because the window is plastic and you’d only break it without drilling pilot hole. Note: I put the screwdriver I mentioned in the charger correctly in step 19 and will install the said screws today, maybe.
26. Slide chassis into cabinet.
27. Replace front panel and secure with four screws removed in step 2.
28. Now check to see if the power cord reaches the outlet, which now looks so darn far away. Wow, it just makes it.
29. Hurriedly turn on the AC and stand in front letting the quickly cooling air wash over your sweat drenched face.
30. Walk over and get your glass of gin and tonic and stand back in front of the AC and let the now cold air wash over your now not so sweat drenched face. Note: To save space, I left out the many times I refilled my glass with gin and tonic during the installation process.
31. Cut the window sash foam seal (non adhesive type) to length and seal the opening between the top window sash and outside window sash.
32. Leave mess scattered all over the living room and dining room to be cleaned up tonight by Brain when he gets home.
33. Promise to read the rest of the directions, also some other day.
34. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and rejoice in knowing you will now be able to stop sweating profusely when you masturbate to the porno on the Spice channel and Playboy channel on the TV in the living room.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Finally got the washing machine fixed

Three fucking weeks, it took three fucking weeks for a GE repairman to finally get his ass back here to fix it!

I called for service 4 weeks ago because the agitator wasn't agitating in my washing machine. I didn't want to replace it if the repair was minor, so I called GE service. A few days later the serviceman came and checked it out. He told me it needed a coupling adapter, because it was stripped. He could order the part and replace for $174.

Well, $174 is less than replacing the washer so I said okay. Also, the service call already cost me $154, so for an extra $20 I'd let him do it.

Now here it is four weeks after the first call, and I finally have a washing machine that works.

I was home yesterday when he came because Sylvia couldn't come yesterday. I wish I wasn't here.

I took him down to the laundry area in the basement and watched him fixed it in less than 5 minutes. No shit, less than 5 minutes. He reaches in the washer, yanks up on the agitator and it pops off. He takes a wrench and removes one bolt holding the coupling on. Pops off the old coupling, puts on the new one and screws in the bolt. Tightens it and pushes the agitator back on. Closes the lid, turns on the machine and it works.

He felt bad for me and lowered the service charge, because I gave him the sad story about how I been waiting four weeks to get it fixed, how easy the repair was and about how last week the guy never showed up. So he lowers the service charge to $125, plus $6.25 for the part and then, of course, there is tax of $11.18, for a grand total of $142.41.

It took Sylvia yesterday and today to finally get all the laundry done. She's great. I'll miss her when she moves and I have to do it myself again.

Edit: My son has a big hamper of dirty laundry in his room, so it's not all done. I reminded him if he doesn't get them out of his room, they won't get done. Why is it so hard to get him to carry them the six feet out into the hall and put them with the rest of the dirty clothes instead of storing them in his room?