Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I Finally Got “Lucky”

Wait till you here this, I had two women touching my private parts yesterday. TWO FUCKING WOMEN WERE TOUCHING ME IN MY MOST PRIVATE AREA. HOT DAMN, I GOT LUCKY. I am not shitting you, it really happened. Yeah, I know I’m married, but it’s been three years since anyone has touched my dick, other than me, so as far as I was concerned, I was going to let it happen. Oh man, two chicks actually taking turns.

No, I wasn’t cheating on my wife, I was having a polyp removed from between my ass and balls. During the initial examination and procedure, they had to move my package to get to the polyp, but they still touched it, so it still counts, right?

I had a doctor’s appointment at the local VA Hospital to have this little thing removed from between my legs and it just so happens, that both the doctor and nurse were women. As far as that goes, the doctor I saw last week who diagnosed it, was also a young lady. She was a resident from a local university. They come to the VA Hospital once a week to help out.

I go into the hospital yesterday and go up to Unit 23. The guy at the desk tells me to sit in the Patient Lounge and someone will come and get me. I go into the lounge and wait.

About ten minutes later a very good-looking petite young lady walks into the lounge and asks for me. She introduces herself as Dr, O’Hara. “Let me explain what we are going to do. I’m going to numb the area with a local, and cut the thing off. The complications could be infection and bleeding. Do you understand?”


“Sign here.”

Whatever, all I know is that this very good looking young lady, nice body and about 5’ tall, with the cutest little accent, and she is my doctor, nothing else matters, so I’ll risk it. I’m thinking, what’s the worst that could happen, I bleed to death or get an infection and die.” No problem, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. So I sign the consent form.

We walk across the hall to a small room. In the room, there’s a not too bad looking nurse, somewhat older than Dr. Cutie, but still younger than me. She takes my blood pressure and such. The cute little doctor finishes setting up, turns and asks me to take off my pants. (I am never one to refuse any woman that asks be to get nekkid. Modesty be damned, off with the pants and briefs, jockey style, and I lay down on the table.

Now it dawns on me that I am naked from the waist down, in front of two women I don’t know, but that doesn’t bother me at all. But I do wonder what they’ll think when they look at “IT”. I don’t really want to know, so I tare at the ceiling so can’t see their face. I really don’t want to know if they laughing at “IT” or not.

Dr. Cutie tells me to spread my legs so she can take a look. I comply, giving here a full view. (Now here is where the touching starts) She lifts my balls out of the way and I hear the nurse and her discussing the process, you know medical shit and stuff.

Now Dr. Cutie removes her hand from my balls and asks the nurse to hold them out of the way. The nurse grabs them, but in a very different way. A way where her hand is laying right on my dick. O’boy, now a woman has got the whole package in her hand and her hand is on my dick, well most of it, there was a little over flow if you get my drift.

The nurse says, “This is going to be cold and wet.”

I look to the side and see Dr. Cutie take a clamp with some gauge pads dipped in that brown liquid that sanitizes shit. I feel her rubbing the area under my balls. She was right, it is cold and wet, but it also feels kind of good. She does it again. Felt good again.

Now I start thinking. I have one woman holding my package in her hand and the other rubbing me, an erection would not be good at this time. That thought quickly passed, because now I see Dr. Dominatrix holding up this rather large syringe, with a needle about three inches long. Then I see the nurse holding a bottle of stuff. (Point of information here, all sexual related thoughts, and my fear of getting an erection, just left my mind)

“Couldn’t you find a bigger needle?” I said.

They both laugh the kind of laugh, the kind of laugh evil people have when the torture is about to begin.

“Oh, that whole thing won’t be going in you, just the tip, but it's going to sting, A LOT!”

WTF does a lot mean? Now I’m starting to get worried, but keep my cool.

“I’m going to numb you and you’ll feel a burning sensation.” Dr. Dominatrix says. Bam, the evil doctor plunges the spike into me. I jump a little.

“You alright?” she says.

“I’m, uh, fine.” (Like hell, it burns like a motherfucker)

“Are you sure? You seem to be clinching your hands awfully tight.”

“No, I’m fine.” I say as all sensation leaves my hands from gripping them so tighly.

“Okay. I one more.” Bam! The evil Dr. Dominatrix plunges the spike into me once more.

Now I’m thinking, is there no mercy for a poor veteran of a war? Haven’t I been through enough? Why me, oh why me?

“You okay?”

“Oooooooo, I’m fine.” I say as my breathing rapidly increases. This fucking hurts. Sting a little my ass.

The stabbing, burning pain subsides in a minute or so, and I feel Dr. Evil rummaging around down there. All I feel at this point is pressure sensations where the cutting must be going on by now. Nothing hurts, which is good as far as I’m concerned, so I relax and breath normally once again. My pulse decreases to just slightly above normal, for a rat that is.

Then I smelled something burning. The smell of hair burning, in addition to the smell of burning human flesh .

I’m thinking WTF are they doing now, branding me with Dr. Evil’s initials like they do with fucking cattle out west. WTF are they doing?

“What’s burning?” I calmly ask.

“You.” the sadistic nurse replies with an evil sounding cackle.

Dr. Evil giggles, and says, “Maybe you could have phrased that a little different so the patient doesn’t get upset?”

Now I’m thinking, upset, who me? Why the fuck would I be upset? Why? You lull me into a false sense of security with your hot little body and cute accent, and then plunge sharp objects that burn like hell into me, and now you’re branding me very close to the most sensitive parts of my body like they do to with cattle. Why should I get upset?

I say in calm voice so as not to get Dr. Evil nervous and cause her to slip with the branding iron and burn my dick, “No, I’m not upset, but what are you doing?”

“There’s some bleeding that won’t stop, so we are corterizing it to try and stop it.”

Try, WTF do you mean try? Make it stop! Your a fucking doctor, right? Get the bleeding to fucking stop. Oh great, now here’s where I bleed to death just like Dr. Evil warned me could happen. So that’s why she forced me to sign my life away, the evil bitch. Why oh why did I listen to her, why?

“I think we got it? The evil doctor says. "It’s just oozing a little. But it should stop soon. If it doesn’t, just come back in to the Emergency Room and we’ll corterize it again.”

WTF do you mean you THINK you got it? I can see it all now, I leave here, oozing blood from my vast wound. The bleeding doesn’t stop, so I have to turn around and make the 45 minute drive back, and all the while I’m getting weaker and weaker from lose of blood. Then I pass out from the loss of blood and crash into an overpass imbuttment and die. Great, it happened just as you planned you evil, evil bitch.

“What do you think we should cover it with?” Dr Evil says. The evil doctor mentions something about a band-aid but the equally evil nurse says it’s not a good idea.

WTF, don't you two have a clue WTF you are doing? Ask what to do next? Didn't you plan the out? I know, you want me to bleed to death, right? Don’t either if you fucking care if I live or die? You bitches are so fucking evil.

“That one has a lot of adhesive around it” the evil nurse says, “It won’t be pleasant when he removes it. It will pull out a lot of hair and be painful.”

The sharp mind that I have remembers my blog entry about the Brazilian Wax a few entries back. “Yeah like a Brazilian Wax job.” I say.

Dr. Evil laughs, but the nurse doesn’t know what I mean, so she asks what a Brazilian Wax job is. The doctor explains it to her, but I also jump in and briefly describe the contents of my blog entry. The nurse says no way she is going to have that done. The doctor tells her you get used to it.

That was all I needed to jolt me back to reality, talking to two chicks about waxing their privates. I remembered the flash video with the waxer standing over the waxee, ripping out pubes and ass hair. I put myself into the place of the waxer and all of a sudden, Dr. Evil Dominatrix is transformed back into Dr. Cutie. I picture Dr. Cutie being the waxee in the flash video. She’s nekkid from the waist down and I can picture me ripping her pubes from her body.

“Jab me with fucking sharp objects will you bitch? Burn me with a branding iron will you?” the evil Doctor BTExpress says. “Take off your pants, right now bitch, and get up on the table. Okay, spread them so I can get a good look. Ha, ha, now it’s my turn to torture you.

"This may hurt a little, as I rip out your pubs in large clumps, but live with it.”

”Ha, ha, ha!!! Shut up bitch, revenge is sweet my dear, revenge is sweet. Ha, ha, ha!!!”, says the evil Doctor BTExpress.


techymike said...

Ha ha, you crack me up man! I pray to God I never have to experience having two sexy women plunging needles into my balls and sticking a hot poker around down there! Leave the needles and poker out of the picture and i'll happily oblige!

Libby said...

this was hilarious! don't mean to laugh at your misfortunes, or anything, but....well, you'd laugh at me!!
BoUnCeS!! LibbY!

BTExpress said...

Mike, you don't know what you are missing when chicks stab you and burn you with shit. The next day is a little rough, but it is well worth it when it happens.

BTExpress said...

Libby, you may laugh at me all you want. I'm used to it. Why do you think I was staring at the ceiling?

BTW, how is the toy working out? ;)

30Something said...

Omg.. You are killin me!! I'm laughing so freakin hard rightnow! LOL.. hehehehehehe (((evil snicker))))

Us women go to school to snicker in just the right way!

BTExpress said...

30something, I'm glad my being tortured makes you laugh. ;)

HappyKap said...

Hope the bleeding stopped.

This part can be interpreted the wrong way, if someone is skimming your post...tee hee:
"to have this little thing removed from between my legs"

Thanks for the laugh...hope you're all healed.

Libby said...

didn't get to it yet, bt, kev's bought me a whole drawer of stuff...

Mimi said...

Oh you poor, poor baby. Damn that was so fucking funny!!!! I could just picture it all in my mind.

Seriously though, I do hope you are feeling better now :-)

BTExpress said...

Thanks Mimi, I so love the sympathy. Yesteray I was walking like a bow legged cowboy, but today almost back to normal.

Summer said...

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a post. I'm sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but well, I can't help it.

"She lifts my balls out of the way and I hear the nurse and her discussing the process, you know medical shit and stuff."


BTExpress said...

Summer, that's okay, I was hoping people would find my misfortune funny. I enjoy making people laugh, even at my expense.

bricotrout said...

dude, thats hilarious!!
i like when doctor o'hara introduces herself.
"hi, im dr. o'hara. let me tell you what were going to do. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah two women. blah blah blah blah blah blah touching your johnson at the same time blah blah blah blah blah. so are you ready?"
LOL. too funny!
i think they pruposely have two women in order to keep mens minds off the procedure. plus they go and promote the benefits of the procedure on their blog later. free advertising. you wouldnt be raving about how it was worth it if it had been just one nurse ratchet lookalike on your unit.