Friday, February 08, 2008

Men, take my advice!

I was out driving yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off, enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.

I used to drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females; that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.

That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449, according to the National Institutes of Health 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drove past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off!


Okay, I didn't write this, I stole it from an email. Bet you almost thought I did thought, didn't you?


Lori, her kids and I are going up to Rhode Island to visit her parents. It's he mom's 75th birthday. Her mom wanted me to come along too, because she says I'm just like family now. Ain't that sweet. :-)

Lori's brother and sister in law are driving over from Connecticut too. They are all BIG Patriot fans, so I'm going to wear my Giant's shirt to rub it in show them how proud I am of the Giants winning the Super Bowl.

Y'all have a nice weekend, ya here!


jillie said...

Here I was thinking...where in the hell did Tony get all of this crap! Then you said it...Cosmopolitan...LOL!!! I just smile, shake my head and move on.

Awwww...aren't you sweet! I'll bet they won't think of you as family after they see you in your Giants shirt...LMAO!

Hope you guys have a fun time at her mom's birthday!


Patti said...

I just hope you don't get your ass kicked LOL

It is sweet that Lori's Mom considers you family :)

lime said...

LOL, that's pretty funny. have a safe drive to CT, enjoy the party and i hope the SIL isn't armed and dangerous when you wear that jersey!

Libby said...

tony-that's good advice about flipping off a woman! and i won't be surprised if lori's family gets your shirt off of you & shreds it!!

barman said...

Yes that story so sounded like something you might write. To funny. Road rage lives.

That is wonderful to hear you are now family. I remember when that happened with my sister's then boyfriend. I do not know where it came from but suddenly Christmas was not Christmas without him.

You know they are going to a world of shit about the shirt. Have fun this weekend.

Tara Tainton said...

Ha! Well, I guess there's one of the reasons why you've lived a happy life, enjoyed a long marriage, and have the cutest girlfriend in all the world now. You must understand us women well. ;)


gab said...

lol and I was thinking boy am I glad I dont fall into a few of those catagories! LOL.
Hope you have a good time at Lori's parents. tell her hi we have missed her on her blog. GO GIANTS

Kittie Kate said...


You're right about avoiding females, the most violent creatures out there. More violent than guys. Just watch Jerry Springer.

Good news you're like family now. That's very good news!

Sexy Duet said...

xlThat did sound like something you would write lol. Have a great trip :)


jillie said... did your wknd go after wearing your Giants shirt to Lori's family? I was thinking about that yesterday watching the Pro Bowl and NFC came back and kicked some BUTT! LOL...

Only 6 months till pre-season starts! LOL