Tuesday, December 05, 2006

IMPORTANT MEDICAL BULLETIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

DISCLAIMER: This post has a few naughty words in it, so if you don't want to read them, go away. Keep in mind that it is also educational and about some of the heath benefits of sex, so it's your loss if you decide not to read it.

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Last week when I was sick and dying, and wasn't sleeping, running between the couch, my bed and the toilet, I was flicking around aimlessly through the TV channels like I always do. I happen to come across the Oprah show. I saw the guest was Dr. Oz and heard them talking about sex. This immediately caught my attention. So I stopped flicking aimlessly through the channels, turned up the volume on the TV and sat back to hear where this was going to lead.

You may not know this about me, but I am always interested in learning new things, especially if it has to do with sex.

Soon they got to a question and answer segment. They were getting people on the street to ask Dr. Oz questions. One young woman said that she had heard that having sex helped you loose weight and wanted to know if that included masturbation.

God knows I could stand to loose quite a bit of weight, so I kept listening.

The doctor said that yes, sex does help you loose weight, but no that doesn’t include masturbation.

Shit, I could have told her that, because I'd be one skinny SOB if masturbation helped you loose weight.

Dr. Oz went on to clarify his answer. He said that during the sex act itself, you only burn about 25 calories on the average. That is about the average number of calories in a half a slice of bread. Oprah chimed in about then to say that meant just "basic" intercourse and none of the more "active" varieties of sex like hanging from swings, doing pull ups while in the act and other kinky shit.

I concluded that meant the kinkier you are, the more calories you burn and the more weight you loose and faster. LORI! Hear that baby?

So, now you may be asking, how do you loose weight then if you’re not into kinky things? I mean, 25 calories isn't very much, now is it?

Glad you asked, or there wouldn't be any point to this post, now would there.

Dr. Oz told the viewers that what really helps you loose weight during sex, is that when you have sex, with someone special, basic intercourse or the kinky kind, your brain releases a chemical that makes you contented, happy, shit like that and in addition, it depresses your appetite.

Guess that's why I've lost about 10 pounds since I started seeing Lori.

I'm sure now your wondering if a one-night stand or just a little quickie in an elevator with a stranger helps you loose weight then? Sorry to say the answer to that is no. It seems that it's all about the closeness you feel when you have sex with someone special.

I know you perverts aren’t happy with this answer, but that's the way it is.

Dr. Oz said a bunch of other stuff, but then he said something that is very important and just may just be the key to motivating me to start to seriously try to loose weight.

Pay attention to this one!

He said that when a man is very over weight, his Mr. Winky gets enveloped in layers of fat and appears to be shorter than it really is. So if he looses weight, for every 35 pounds he looses, he gains one inch in the length of his Love Gun.

You hear that! One inch for every 35 pounds!

He said that the Joystick doesn't really get any longer, it just looks longer once all that fat is gone. That got me wondering what that would mean to the length of my johnson would be if I got down near my ideal weight.

The next day I was feeling better, so I got on the Internet and found a web site with charts and shit, that says I should weight something less than 170 pounds. So I got my calculator out and started figuring out how long my joy stick would be if I got back down to the weight I was supposed to be.

First I wanted to figure out how much weight I needed to loose.

1. “A” equals “MY WEIGHT NOW”
2. “B” equals “MY IDEAL WEIGHT”
3. So “A – B = C“, which equals “HOW MUCH WEIGHT I NEED TO LOOSE”

Then I wanted to see how much longer my fun gun would get if I did loose all that weight.

4. “D” = 35, because “ONE INCH INCREASE IN LENGTH OF THE LOVE MUSCLE FOR EVERY 35 POUNDS YOU LOOSE”
6. So ”C / D = E”, which equals “HOW MANY INCHES LONGER MY MEMBER COULD GET IF "BTExpress = B”.

In my case “E = 1.8285714 inches”.

Next I wanted to see how long my Pocket Rocket would be then.

7. “F” equals, in inches, “WHAT LORI GOT WHEN SHE MEASURED MY ERECT MANHOOD A WHILE BACK”
8. So “E + F = WFW”, which stands for “WHOO FUCKING WHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hear that Lori? My Mr. Winky would be "WFW"!

Now if having a Ding-a-Ling that is “WHOO FUCKING WHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” ain't motivation enough to loose weight, I don't know what is!

8 comments:

LORI said...

HMMMMMM,LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...... SO IF WE HAVE (MORE) KINKY SEX YOU LOOSE WEIGHT, AND IF YOU LOOSE WEIGHT YOUR MR. WINKY GOES FROM A RULER TO A YARD STICK?
WOW, 2007'S GONNA BE AN INTERESTING YEAR! BUT I DO LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, MY SEXY BOY!

barman said...

Let me see if I got that straight. Isn't D actually C and E is 35?

Wow, definetly something to think about. Good thing I started that diet today. I should be like a foot long in no time!

Oh and I knew kinky sex was the answer.

BTExpress said...

Barman - By jove, you're right! I changed the formula, because I hate it when my C & D gets messed up. Thanks.

patti_cake said...

I already forwarded it on to the hubs ... I could use a little "whoo fucking hoo" hehe....

lime said...

ok, i need to loose weight too but i sure as hell don't want to sprout a johnson!

jillie said...

OMG Tony...You are so funny! So...are you going to include before and after pictures? LOL

BTExpress said...

Patti_Cake - Some how I knew you would say something like that. ;-)

Lime - Just think of how much more fun you could have in your "alone" times if you did. ;-)

Jillie - I'm too shy **cough** to post pictures like that, but I may be convinced to send some out by email. ;-)

gab said...

ROFLMAO! I loved the new names you had each time when you described your Johnson. Does Lori have a "special name" for it too? I do but I'll never tell. But I gotta get hubby to read this. He needs to lose weight I need to lose weight I wonder ????????