HNT Cooking Lesson

Cooking Lesson #1 – Gorgonzola Pizza

Today I am going to teach you how to make my World Famous Gorgonzola Pizza. This post is pretty long because it is not just a recipe, but a full blown cooking lesson with pictures and everything.

I think you will enjoy the lesson, but if you don't cook, don't eat pizza or get bored along the way, skip to the end for my HNT picture this week. Now lets get started.

1. Gather all the ingredients you see in the picture. It saves a lot of time if you get everything in one place and not have to keep looking around for stuff.


2. The first thing you need to do is to make a gin and tonic. If you don’t drink gin, then any other alcoholic beverage will do, but don’t blame me if the pizza doesn’t come out like mine.

3. Get a glass and fill it with ice, but not too full. You need to leave plenty of room for the gin. Note: I know I didn’t put a glass in the picture, but once you saw the gin, I figured you knew you needed a glass.


4. Pour in a little gin (smirk).


5. Then fill the glass the rest of the way with tonic. Note: Notice I’m using the diet tonic. It’s a lot of hard work to keep my body in the condition that it is, so drinking the sugar free helps.



6. Now the lime juice. I usually use Rose’s Sweetened lime juice, but haven’t quite made it to the store yet, but this an acceptable substitute. Note: Yea, I know it’s been a week since I ran out, but shit happens you know. I’m on retirement time now, so who cares? Not me that’s for sure.


7. Now take a drink. Note: This is a very important step and MUST not be missed. One must be in the proper frame of mind to make this pizza.


8. Spray a cookie sheet with the olive oil spray. NOT vegatable spray! I must be olive oil spray. If you don’t have spray, you can brush it on if you want, but it MUST be olive oil. Note: I know I forgot to tell you about the cookie sheet in the beginning, but the gin and tonic was on my mind. Anyway, go get a frigging cookie sheet and shut up, okay?



SHIT!!!! What a mess! I forgot to spray the cookie sheet in the sink. No harm done.


9. Go get the wipes and clean up the olive oil over spray. Note: No, I didn’t forget them too. I didn’t even know I would need them to wipe up my mess. I was supposed to spray the cookie sheet in the sink.


10. Open the package of pizza crust. Note: I just love opening these types of packages. You never know when they will open, so I get startled when they pop open like that.


11. Spread the pizza dough out on the cookie sheet. Make it as thin as possible. Note: You did wash your hands before starting the pizza, right? Urine residue from your unwashed hands ruins the taste you know. You say you always wash your hands after peeing? LOL! Sure, whatever you say. LOL!


12. Now pinch the edges of the pizza crust to make a raised edge of some kind. For you pie makers, it’s sort of what you do to a pie crust around the edge. This helps keep all the crap you put on it, stay on it while it bakes.


It should look something like this now.


13. Now put the crust in the oven and baked for 8 minutes. Note: I know I forgot to take a picture of this step, but if you can’t figure how to do this, quit now before you get hurt. Can I ask you something? Your not going to keep nagging me about forgetting stuff, are you? Because you could really become a pain in the ass if you do.


WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE OVEN IS COLD! DIDN’T YOU PREHEAT IT TO 400F? I’M SURE I TOLD YOU TO PREHEAT THE OVEN. HAVE ANOTHER DRINK AND WAIT HERE WHILE I GO BACK AND CHECK.

WOW, you won’t believe this. Someone deleted my instructions to preheat the oven. I swear I put that in at the beginning of this post, I know I did. That’s okay. We can work around this


14. Put the pizza crust back down and preheat oven to 400F. Note: See, I told you we could work around that.


15. Finish your drink while you wait for the oven to heat up. You can tell when the oven is up to temperature when that little red light by the oven knob goes out. Note: Repeat steps 3 thru 6 if your glass is empty. I know my glass would be empty by now, so that’s why I’m saying this.

This is what an empty glass looks like in case you didn’t know.


If your glass looks like this, you’re okay for now.


16. Now put the crust in the oven and set the timer to 8 minutes. Note: I didn’t have to tell you to get a kitchen timer too did I? I hope not or you are out of league here and maybe shouldn’t be in a kitchen around hot things. Besides that, you are going to have to slice something later and I sure as hell don’t want to be responsible for you cutting off a finger. Take my advice here, if you don’t have a timer, quit now and get take out pizza instead, okay?

Here’s what my timer looks like. Isn’t it a nice one? It has one of those temperature probes attachments, which is put away somewhere. Don't ask exactly where though. I have a have time remembering where I put my car keys, much less some stupid temperature probe.



17. Repeat steps 3 through 7 for as many rounds of drinks as you can get in, in eight minutes.

18. Now go do something and wait for the timer to go off. Note: I sat down for a few minutes to see what was on television. I flicked through a few channels, and didn’t see anything very interesting until I came across a movie I immeditely recognized. It was one of my all time favorite movie classics, Scary Movie 3. I highly recommend it for all horn dogs like myself, just for this one scene.


19. When the timer beeps, or whatever it is your does, remove the crust from oven. Warning!!!! The cookie sheet is frigging hot, so used a potholder. I didn’t think I would have to tell you about potholders, but since you’ve been bitching about all the other stuff I forgot to tell you about, I figured I better tell you, or you would blame me when you burned yourself.

20. Here is what the crust should look like. Note: If the pizza crust doesn’t look cooked at all, you were probably drinking too much and didn’t preheat the oven like I told you. Stop now and get assistance before continuing or you will surly get hurt.


21. Next pour some olive oil in a small bowl. Note: Not as much as I poured here though. I was pouring the olive oil while I was waiting for the timer on the camera to time out so I poured WAY too much.


22. Brush the pizza crust with a generous amount of olive oil using a pastry brush. Note: I know I didn’t tell you to have a pastry brush handy, but you are cooking in a frigging kitch for gods sake. Damn, you really are getting on my nerves. Now shuit up, and brush the frigging crust.

WARNING!!!! THIS STEP MUST NOT BE SKIPPED OR YOU WILL RUIN THE WHOLE FRIGGING PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


23. Sprinkle the crust with about ¾ pound (0.34 kg) of Gorgonsola cheese. Note: You can use more or less if you want, but I use a lot because I really like cheese.


24. Spread out the fresh basil in a nice even layer. Note: Washing and drying the basil is optional as far as I’m concerned, but don’t complain I didn’t tell you about it.


Here’s what it should look like when your done putting on the basil.


25. Slice the fresh tomatos into decent size slices. Make sure you have enough to cover the entire pie. Note: Don’t blame me if you don’t have a knife handy. I told you that you’ld be slicing something in step 16.


26. Spread the slices of tomato out in a nice even layer on top of the basil like this.


Here’s what it should look like when you done putting on the tomato slices.


How’s it look? You can stop here if you want, or you can put on some more stuff. At the last minute I decided to put on a little grated cheese. Note: I know there is a glare partially covering the name of the cheese. Use what ever you want and shut the fuck up or I’m stopping right now!


Sprinkle it evenly over the pizza, but not too much though. You don’t want to over power the other ingredients.


About this much should do


27. I decided to check in my spice cabinet and see if there was anything else I wanted to add.


I found some garlic powder so decided to use that. Note: I have fresh garlic, but thought that may be too overpowering, so I used the powder instead. Besides, the garlic powder is also way easier to put on evenly.


Sprinkle a little bit evenly over the top. Note : Again, not too much. You can add more if you want to after you taste it. But you can't take it off once it been put on.


28. Here is what the pizza looks like after all the ingredients are on. Looks good, doesn’t it?


29. Now what do think we should do next? Right, make another drink to celebrate you’ve gotten this far without, hopefully, hurting yourself.


30. Now put the pie in the oven without burning yourself. You have been drinking, so I’m just concerned for your safety.


31. Set the timer for 11 minutes.


32. No go back and watch more of Scary Movie 3 and wait for the timer to ring. If you have TiVo, you can watch this scene again. Note: Repeat steps 3 thru 7 for as many rounds of drinks you can get in, in 11 minutes.


33. When the timer rings, check the pizza to see if it’s cooked enough. If not, put it back in for a couple of minutes and check it again. It’s hard to tell, but in this shot, the tomatos and the basil wasn’t cooked enough.


34. After a couple of minutes, check the pizza again. This is good.


35. Take the pizza out of the oven, stand back and admire your master piece.


36. Now as a reward for a job well down, and living to talk about it, have another drink.


Note: I even took a picture of me holding the finished pizza so I could prove to you I really did make it and wasn't just drinking.

Behold, the Half-Nekkid Chef!



HEY! That’s a great name for a cooking show, don’t you think? I might just propose that to the Food Channel. I’ll bet my ratings would be a lot higher than Emeril’s, especially if I had a woman for a co-host. Any of you ladies want to auditon for the job of co-host?