I went to the doctor this morning and he confirmed I have vertigo. I had a 10:45 appointment and got there a few minutes early as I don't like to be anywhere late. I get called into the exam room about 10 minutes later at about 10:50. Not bad I think, only waited 10 minutes. But the inevitable wait for the doctor to show started.
As the wait progressed, I thought, "Good thing I brought the newspaper". It wasn't enough reading material for the wait though, because I read the whole thing through and started it over a second time before he finally showed up at a little after 11:30.
Well, we talked a little, he asked how Barbara was doing, I complained about my lack of sleep the past week or so because of her agitation and the hallucinations, small talk over and we got down to why I was there.
"I can't sleep on my back. Everytime I roll over and my head gets vertical, BAM!!!, I start spinning out of control. The spinning lasts for like 30 seconds."
That may not seem like a long time to you guys, but it is. I hate vertigo.
He says I probably have an inner ear infection which is causing the vertigo. He says he wants to take my blood pressure, take some blood, do an EKG of my heart and check the pressure in my ears.
I wanted to say, "Look doc, like I said on the phone, I have fucking vertigo! I've had it before and I know what it is. Just give the fucking prescription and let me out of here. I don't need all this extra money making, for you, tests to prove what we both already know, is wrong with me, I have vertigo."
He says the nurse will be in a minute (fat fucking chance of that) to take the tests.
Now I wait another 15 minutes. She pushes in the first cart, does some tests. Then pushes in the second cart and does some more tests. "What did the ear pressure test show", I asked. "I don't know how to read that, the doctor will be in in a minute."
LMFAO, a minute? Doctors watches shouldn't even have minute hands. They don't know what a minute is.
Now I start looking looking around the exam room.
"Free Viagra. Buy 5 prescriptions and get the sixth free". Not now, but someday.
"Do you have low testosterone?" No pamphlet but a cute little electronic game type thing with yes or no answers.
Then there's the chart with the wife complaining about her husbands snoring. "Do you have sleep apnea?" it asks.
Hey, another little electronic push the yes or no answer things about getting an erection. I push the on button, but the batteries are dead on this one.
The doc comes in about this time and tells me my heart is fine, he's sending the blood out to have it tested and my ear pressure is a little low probably because I have fluid in my ears, which is screwing up my balance.
Now for what we've all been waiting for, the diagnosis.
"You have vertigo."
I wanted to say, "No fucking shit. Isn't that I told you when I walked in? Look doc, like I said on the phone, and again when I got here, I know I have fucking vertigo! I've had it before and I know what it is. You should have just given me the fucking prescription and let me out of here. I didn't need to spend all this time here waiting and all this extra money making, for you, tests to know what we both already knew, is wrong with me."
"I want to see you in a week to see if it's better. Check with the appointment desk in the back. See you in a week."
Sure I will. My vertigo will be gone in a few days and I will be better next week so I'm canceling the appointment early next week, and I'm not wasting another 1/2 day for you to agree with me that I'm fine.
Unless, I don't really have vertigo and I really am dieing. In that case I will be back next week complaining about why you didn't diagnose my fatal disease last week.
Oh, I got out of there at a little after 12:00. Not bad, it usually takes longer.