After work today, I finished dinner and then went up to vote. It's not a big election today, but I feel it an obligation to do so, even if it's not one of the "BIG ONES" held every four years.
What a mistake that was!
I walk in to the same polling place I have walked in, off and on, for 28 years. I walk up the usual table, in the usual room and give the lady my name. I spell it as I always do, "C-*-*-*-*-K, Anthony".
She thumbs through the book for my name and gets to the "C****k" page. There they are as big as life, Anthony, Barbara and Brian, all in order, just like they always are. We all vote regularly in our household. Our signatures are what I noticed most, well Barbara's actually. Her signature was just as I remembered before her brain was damaged from the cancer a few years ago and her handwriting suffered. I was still clear, crisp and neat as the day she first signed the book. Barbara had beautiful hand writing. It was a combination of printing and script and very much different than most of us who really put little effort into penmanship and write like crap.
The lady at the table looks the page over and exchanges the relevant information. "Sign here." She points to the spot in the book where I'm suppose to sign and I sign my name. She looks it over.
"Thank you."
"Excuse me", I say. "Barbara C****k" I point to her name in the book. She passed away three weeks ago."
In unison, the ladies say, "Oh, I'm so sorry."
"Thank you."
"We'll remove her name."
OUCH! It hits me, Barbara is being removed from the voter roles.
"Damn!" I think, it's the beginning of the process to get her out of the "SYSTEM!" I know that's what's done, we all get purged from the "SYSTEM!" eventually, but it's not easy. It's not easy to deal with it when you loose someone so special to you.
Every time, almost everyday, I turn around and have to deal with another case of removing her from the "SYSTEM!" Everyday it's the snail mail and emails that keep coming in her name. I also still have to deal with the cemetery, motor vehicles, the Veterans Administration, the funeral home's insurance company as they fucked up something, but not with her thank God, the banks, credit card companies, investment companies, NY State Retirement system and whatever else that pops up I haven't thought of.
"Sir.......Sir", the lady at the tables calls.
"Yes."
"What date did she...blah....blah....?"
I choose not to hear the rest of what she said, but I knew what she said.
"October 17th", I say.
"Thank you. Again I'm sorry."
I go into the booth, pull the handle to the right, pull a bunch of levers and push the handle back to the left. The curtain opens and I walk out of the booth.
At this point I would always see Barbara standing there waiting, as I always let her vote first. We would always smile at each other and then I'd follow her out the door. This is the way it has been for the 28 years we lived in Sayville, but not this time. This time she wasn't there waiting for me with a smile, this time I walked alone back to my car alone and this time I drove home alone.
When I got home this time, I got the mail, opened the door and went inside to a very quite and very empty house, Brian's at work this evening. I look the mail over, walk over to the trash and throw away the junk mail in her name as I do everyday now. It's just that this day, it was a little harder to do. You see, she is being removed from the "SYSTEM!" and this is just one more thing I have to do to get that done, throw away mail in her name.
Now here I sit at the computer as I do everyday, except this day, the house seems more empty and my life seems more empty. Today I feel more alone.
I miss Barbara very much.
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